Still Trying

October is coming to its end. Not feeling well, but feels like writing.

Thank you all who sacrifice your thoughts and time to help me. I really appreciate your love and concern. Even though none of your efforts comes to a success, I never lose hope. Never give up. I am not sure what is wrong with me or my career that made this thing too difficult. Never occurred to my mind that my time will be this late. It is an honour to me, also a test in my life. Seeing my friends and juniors moving on with their life made me envy. 

I know my time will come soon. I just do not know when. I hope that there is no barrier keeping me from this. May Allah protect me and give me the best for me. 

People who do not know me claimed that I was too choosy. That was just a rare comment. The fact that I do not even have options to choose from. I am still trying. I need to be strong. 

Don't give up, never give up.

My Review On Delicious Cafe

The first time I went to Delicious cafe was on 12th October 2013. It was my day/night out with my gangs. We decided to try that cafe at Straits Quay. We were welcome warmly by a waiter, he ushered us a table in the middle of the cafe. Different table for different meals. If you only want desserts, you can choose a table with sofas, if you want meals, you choose the ordinary table.

Interior design - beautifully decorated, the room looks spacious, they used the bird's cage to decorate the lighting.

Waiter/waitress - I honestly think they need to be more alert, look around and be aware of customers. At times, we were waving up for them but none of them ever look at us. We decided not to call out though. One thing I was a bit annoyed was that they took away our knife, and fork after we placed our orders. They should have at least left me the knife as I ordered a burger. I had to call them and asked back for a knife. They served desserts first, then only main meals...ermmm, not sure which table etiquette they follow.

Desserts/meals - we tried pavlova and lemon pie something. The pavlova looked "old" and not fresh, like they had keep it frozen for some time. However the taste was good. I ordered teriyaki chicken burger...the chicken was nicely cooked but the bread/bun was too hard. I used much of my energy to cut the bread! Oh ya, the cakes displayed looked yummy but the prices were double that Secret Recepi! All around RM14-15 and the slices were a bit smaller. Too expensive! We wouldn't spent that much for a piece of cake. Drinks - we only had sky juice, which was refilled intermittently. Other menus...I think I can get cheaper at other cafe/restaurants.

My rate : 3/5

Will I go again? No, unless someone treating me :)

Third week

Entering my third week in this new department. Many characters have been revealed. Everyone is talking behind everyone's back. Some are calculative. Some are too noisy. Some like to show their intelligence.

Whatever it is, I started to enjoy my job here. At least no more night calls. No matter how busy from 8-5, I still can go home at 5. No need to worry about getting weird referrals anymore. Of course I do miss looking at cute children.

Today somehow I get back the feeling of being oncall, or maybe half of the feeling as I still cannot go home at five, need to stay for locum at six till ten. May Allah ease my session and I could finish on time. Ameen.

Turun Naik

Sabda Rasulullah saw," Iman itu kadang naik, kadang turun, maka perbaharuilah iman kalian dengan Lailahaillallah." HR Ibnu Hibban

Astaghfirullah. Iman merudum teruk bulan ni. Jatuh menjunam ke dasar gaung yang terdalam. Saat ini masih menggapai-gapai untuk kembali ke puncak, atau sekurang-kurangnya pada pertengahan pendakian. Diam membisu seribu bahasa. Memencilkan diri. Cuba mencari kekuatan diri yang hilang entah ke mana. 

Adjustment disorder lagi. Bertukar ke jabatan baru, suasana baru, rakan sekerja baru, boss baru, pesakit yang baru. Lagi pelbagai karenah yang perlu dihadapi. Kerja-kerja-kerja...tengok-tengok dah pukul lima petang..balik...and the cycle goes on...sekurang-kurangnya waktu malam aku tidak perlu risau lagi untuk oncall. Alhamdulillah.

Aidiladha...rasanya erti pengorbanan gagal dihayati. Terlalu disibukkan oleh hal-hal duniawi.

Saat ini aku terpisah jauh daripada sahabat-sahabat...cuba memancing kembali iman dan semangat yang hilang..moga dapat kutemuinya semula sedikit masa lagi. Aku bersalah pada diriku sendiri kerana terlalu lemah..aku bersalah pada perjuangan dan pejuang-pejuang yang lain kerana rebah di pertengahan jalan dan tidak dapat meringankan beban mereka..

Samsung NC10 yang bersama-sama berjuang denganku selama empat tahun tujuh bulan akhirnya menyerah kalah..kini aku terpaksa menjemput ahli keluarga baru ke dalam hidupku...masih lagi cuba menyesuaikan diri..hasrat di hati mahu mengubatkan NC10 agar dapat selamatkan important files dalam tu,rasanya screen/ hardware untuk screen yang rosak..selamat datang ahli keluarga baru, 19 Oktober 2013. [melayang simpananku..huhu].

Family Trip Johor Bahru & Singapore

Akhirnya trip yang dinanti-nantikan tiba jua. Hujung minggu yang lepas, aku membawa mak dan ayah ke Singapura dan Johor Bahru sempena walimah abang kepada kakak iparku.

Sabtu awal pagi kami bertolak ke airport, solat subuh di sana dan terus menaiki flight AirAsia ke JB. Breakfast in flight, save 20% bila beli online waktu tu. Sampai di Senai Airport, kami berehat seketika dan menyimpan beg di locker, RM20 unlimited duration. Tunggu bas Causeway link ke JB sentral pukul 10 pagi. Tiba-tiba ternampak Ben Laden, budak kecik yang petah bercakap tu. Dia orang JB, pakai cap, glasses dan rantai kayu huruf B macam Zizan pakai tu.

Perjalanan ke JB sentral hampir sejam kot, aku dah mengantuk dan tertidur-tidur dalam bas Causeway link berwarna putih itu. Dari JB Sentral, kami berjalan ke JB CIQ, tempat imigresen bahagian Malaysia. Rasa bagai di Airport saja. Dari JB CIQ, kami naik bus [guna tiket yang sama] merentasi Tambak Johor ke imigresen Singapura. Tiket bus ni free sebab kami penumpang Air Asia. Imigresen Singapura macam Heathrow airport sikit, kena isi embark form. Naik turun escalator yang laju itu. Seriau juga nak melangkah ke escalator tu.

Dari Woodlands aka imigresen Singapura tu kami naik bus causeway link warna kuning dan berhenti di Kranji MRT Station, yang memakan masa sepuluh minit saja. Kami naik MRT dari Kranji ke Raffles Place yang memakan masa 45 minit. Aku sangat impressive dengan kesedaran sivik warga Singapura, mereka sangat peka akan penumpang yang naik MRT, nampak saja warga emas, mereka berikan tempat duduk. Aku pun akhirnya gave up my seat to a pregnant lady.

Apabila kami sampai di Raffles Place, dah pukul 1 tengah hari. Panas terik!!! Aku ikut arah yang kubaca di blog seseorang sebelum ni. Ikut arah UOB dan terus ke Fullerton Hotel. Dah nampak boat di Singapore river. Kami berjalan towards main road and crossed the streets. Aku hentam saja, tawakal ke sana dengan harapan jumpa Merlion Park. Alhamdulillah, arah itu betul. Ramai orang di sana, despite panas terik. Kami bergambar sikit. Nampak Esplanade di seberang sana, nampak Singapore Flyers. Ayah dah mula minta nasi. Aku beri potato bread ayah menolak. Di situ mana ada nasi,nak cari makanan halal pun susah.

Kami berpatah balik ke Kranji MRT station. Kakiku dah kejang, kesian mak dan ayah, mesti lebih letih. Kami naik MRT ke Bugis station yang hanya berselang dua station. Dari situ aku decided untuk ambil taxi saja walaupun ikut jarak ke Arab street macam tak jauh sangat. Taxi costs us 3.70 dollar ke Kampong Glam Cafe.Kami lunch nasi Melayu di sana,lebih kurang 13 dollar untuk tiga orang.

Kami membeli sedikit cenderahati di sana, kemudian solat di Masjid Sultan.Kipas angin masjid itu mempunyai bilah yang sangat panjang, terasa angin sejuknya hingga ke belakang. Melihatkan mak dan ayah sudah letih, trip kami setakat itu sahaja. Tak jadi ke Orchard Road. Kami mengambil taxi ke kranji MRT station, costs us 17 dollars. Dari situ kami naik bus 160 ke Woodlands, panjat escalator yang laju itu , lalui imigresen dan naik bus Causeway link kuning ke JB CIQ.Tambak Johor tu pendek saja, tapi jalan agak sesak.Aku berasa lega sangat once dah masuk JB. Tempat sendiri. Kami terpaksa tunggu bus pukul 7 dari JB sentral untuk pulang ke Senai Airport untuk mengambil beg. Kami hanya menunggu sekejap di airport sebelum YB dan isteri datang mengambil lalu membawa kami ke Restoran Singgah Selalu untuk dinner.

Suasana di restoran itu sungguh meriah, kawasan luas di luar dan dalam. Kebetulan ada perlawanan Piala Malaysia suku akhir JDT VS Kelantan. Riuh rendah penyokong JDT apabila mereka score dan menang 4-2. Selesai makan, kami ke M Suite Hotel, sebuah studio room 312. Sungguh selesa, alhamdulillah. Katil besar, ada couch, ada tv, ada kitchen bar.Cuma pemandangan tak cantik,nampak bangunan dan kawasan pembinaan.

Hari kedua di JB, Ahad - bangun pagi dengan perasaan yang cukup tenang. Subhanallah. Kami breakfast di hotel, mak dan ayah free, aku kena bayar RM35. Macam-macam kami makan, Dah bayar mahal, makanlah. Pukul 10.30, aku dan ayah menaiki taxi ke JB sentral untuk mengambil kereta sewa. Tukang hantar kereta lewat setengah jam. Jam Melayu, alahai. Dapat Myvi putih, JLL. Rasa pelik memandu Myvi buat kali pertama. Rasa longgar serba-serbi. Plat minyak rasa longgar, stereng rasa longgar waktu membelok. Myvi ni ringan, aku bawa maximum 90km/j saja walaupun di highway.

Lepas Zohor, kami ke dewan kenduri - Kompleks Tun Mohamed Rahmat di Jalan Mata Kucing, dekat dengan hotel tapi ke buat U turn. Pengantin dah sampai, segak berbaju putih/cream. Lepak lama juga sampai hampir habis kenduri. Kemudian aku bawa mak dan ayah ke Johor Premium Outlet, persis Kildare Village, cuma harganya perghh...bapak mahal. Tak beli apa pun. Vincci dan Padini harganya not bad. Jauh juga ke JPO ni di Kulaijaya. Siap kena tol 80 sen. Balik dari JPO, kami singgah ke Danga Bay sekejap. Banyak penambahbaikan sedang dilakukan. Waktu sunset, kami pulang ke hotel, solat dan dinner dengan bekalan nasi kenduri yang dibekalkan.

Hari ketiga di JB, Isnin, hari terakhir - kami breakfast di hotel juga. Pukul 9.30am dah check out dari hotel, menuju ke Legoland di Nusajaya yang hanya 20 minit dari JB. Sampai juga ke Legoland. Tiket beli online one week earlier dapat 20% discount, aku dan mak RM112 each, ayah senior citizen dapat RM88. Besar sungguh Legoland. Cuaca panas tapi ada banyak tempat berteduh. Paling tak boleh lupa ialah pengalaman naik boat dengan ayah...saat bot tu nak turun naik atas, aah..ngeri sungguh, rasa bagai nak tercampak dari boat, tapi duduk elok juga..pandai sungguh mereka yang buat permainan ini.Basah baju lepas boat tu turun, masuk dalam air sikit.Terbaik...

Kami singgah di cafe makan Golden Durian Sago...mak teringin nak makan, RM10 each. Kemudian pulang ke JB, jumpa YB di dewan kenduri semalam dan dibawa ke hoemstay mak Esah. Lunch di situ, nasi ambeng..ermmm sedap alhamdulillah. Sembang-sembang dengan besan mak ayah dan solat di situ. Pukul 5.15pm, kami bertolak ke airport. Selamat tinggal JB, ada rezeki dan umur yang panjang, kami kembali lagi!

Perjalan ke Senai Airport begitu mudah, biiznillah.Kami check in flight dan pulangkan kereta. Aku usha kasut Sembonia yang tengah offer RM59 tapi tiada saiz. Kasut murah..beg RM300 lepas discount...pergh..Kami solat di surau sementara di situ sebelum naik flight balik Penang...Sampai di Airport, tengok beg ungu ku tergolek di lantai, mamcam tu rupanya mereka buat kerja...parking kereta kena RM72 untuk tiga hari...kami ke Teluk Tempoyak dan pekena seafood untuk dinner..

Saat ini perlawanan Kelantan VS JDT sedang berlangsung, tambahan masa 3 minit. Kedudukan 6-1, aggregat 8-5. Dahsyat!!!! Kelantan bangkit sungguh-sungguh, tunjuk taring mereka. May the best win!

Last call, last day

Last call on my last day...feels sad to leave this department, yet life needs to go on...

I started working here on 3rd December 2012, exactly 10 months ago. 

I chose paeds as this was the best option I could choose from.

I love kids.

I managed to learn from specialist for one week only. Then Dr J left to Putrajaya for subspeciality. V became the HOD. The way she treated me...made me feel like so stupid. Never occurred to my mind that I would be treated that way as an MO. Even when I started my first posting as a houseman, no one ever treated me that way. Yet I went through the days with patience. C was super nice...he sat down and jot down all the basic management for me. I was so touched by his kindness and softness. O was the most junior before I came. Initially I felt that she was hard to approach but later on we became close and even shared a secret. M understood me very well, he knew that I did not ask to be in this department and that I needed time to adjust myself. He always backed me up. 

Two weeks later, M left to his favourite department. I felt the lost. I started my call earlier than what Dr J  had said. One weekday and three weekend calls in two weeks! My calls turned out to be okay. V started to change her attitude towards me. She started to treat me better. Then, came S, who went for confinement and started Master programme for a while but could not make it. As the most senior, she was the best,the nicest. I learnt a lot from her.

When I was about to prepare mentally for four EOD calls during Chinese new year, H came. She was the saviour. Being very junior and not even finish her attachment, she had to oncall in order to lessen our EODs. V was the happiest person. She gave her weekend call happily to H and let S, a mom with three kids to do more call than her.

V felt that her leadership was challenged. She could not answer when S and O asked her about the call roster. Obviously she practiced an unjust system, how could she answer them? O asked me to voice out along but I remained silent. As a junior, I preferred not to say much. Since then, V started to argue with O. No more sisterhood. S helped me to adjust my call so that I did not have to do too many weekend calls. Thank you S.

Two months later, T came and be the sixth MO. Less oncall for us. I knew him from housemanship. He could be hopeless sometimes, but at other times were helpful. O and V got into a serious argument after a CME. Voice was raised, file was slammed onto the table. Temperature raised. O ended up meeting the director and got PM off. I became the middle person for V and O to communicate. As a leader, V acted childishly. She called O " consultant". O still respect V as a senior and continued asking for her opinion. They hardly talk for a month.

Eventually they started to communicate again. Thanks to O who never give up on her. Unfortunately, before she left, she had an argument with C and T, because she claimed that she was forced to do calls! She complaint to me and she even mentioned her regrets for treating C so well before. She felt that she had been backstabbed. During her farewell party, they did not talk to each other at all!

V left...only five of us remained. Had to do more calls...specialist from HSJ came two monthly, starting July. Dr T was super nice and easy going, but she discharged patients too fast. She appreciates our work and treated us as an MO.

August was the most hectic month. After a one week raya leave,my calls were like forever. That was when I felt that I could not go on anymore...I needed to change environment!

September...Dr Te came. Another adjustment disorder. Initially I felt like being a houseman again, but now it is getting better. She is very much approachable and more careful when discharging patients. L came to rescue. New MO means, a pathway for us to leave. Then, came LL, who was super friendly but after a few days he left to ED and Ta came in. 

So, it is confirmed. Today is my last day and my last call. Next week I shall start new in the other department. C is leaving on the 16th. Left O as the most senior, waiting for her HC application. H is currently pregnant and also applied somewhere. Good bye my friend T, keep in touch. All the best to L and Ta. You guys will enjoy working here.

I am so gonna miss here, the atmosphere, the staff and the kids!