On That Day

A very dear sister to me once said, after I finished my Medicine exam;
“It’s alright, God purposely wanted to test you. If He gave you such an easy path, you will never feel the sweetness of the victory and you might even become riya’ if you succeeded easily. Just keep on praying and believe in Him. My instinct said that you will pass!”

Subhanallah…Allah had sent me “an angel” at the time when my heart was in so much chaos.
I wanted to believe in her words but now and then the syaitan kept whispering to me about failure, about giving up hope and about suul zhon with Allah.

On the night after the most challenging exam, I felt nothing. It was just all numbness. Maybe I wasn’t sure about how I should feel. Maybe I was a little shocked. Maybe because I got used to failing.

Only after the next night, I realized about my true feelings. I was reading this respected Akhi’s blog when suddenly a thought crossed my mind. How could I be sad about this small matter, while this Akhi has even bigger challenges in his life? He is struggling with uncertainty, between life and death. His medical degree is useless as he can’t even practice as a doctor. Yet he still stands tall with hopes and efforts. He never complains nor does he give in. Having read his inspiring piece of writing, tears suddenly began to fill my eyes.
Astaghfirullah..I should not give up before the day comes. I should not think negative. I should not suul zhon with my Lord.

So since that night, I kept to myself all those feelings, never I revealed to my friends that I was actually dead worried. I had nightmares every night, my insomnia came back. When I woke up in the morning, I spent at least half an hour, lying down, just lying down, thinking about this. My daily zikir was “ya Allah, luluskanku”. I didn’t feel like seeing or talking to other people, other than my roommate. Anhedonia – this is one of the symptoms of depression. My mood remained low all day. All I wanted to do was to be alone with my Lord. I wanted to recite the Quran until my voice was all gone. I wanted to pray until my joints all ached.

Today, my gut feelings told me that the results are going to come out. It is true. I was in the library doing my task when I saw my friend's YM status. I took the courage to log into my student’s account. There is no point of delaying it. Even to the last minute, I kept on praying that Allah will grant my prayer.

Subhanallah, masyaAllah!

The front page of the examination result webpage wrote “PASS”
My hands started shaking. My vision became blurry. I click on the link. There I go, now I believe that I actually have passed the exams! All my marks seem fine, no controversial marks.
Alhamdulillah…thank you Allah…

Okay, now I need to “see” Him immediately. Quickly I made my way to the prayer room, and prayed. Alhamdulillah .I couldn't cry, for my tears were all spent during the past few days. Right now I just want to be with Him.

Okay, there is someone else whom I should call. It was 4.35pm here, so Malaysia is already 11.35pm.Mak and ayah must have been asleep now. Yet, I still made the call. They should be the first to know. They deserve it. And of course the next person I called was my "angel", proudly to be the first Corkian to know. She even asked my permission to name her soon to be new baby with my name! If the baby is a girl,of course.

Now it's time to text my beloved friends who were praying for me and encouraging me so much. Thank you my dear friends.Thank you my Lord, for believing in me. Syukur Alhamdulillah…