The Feeling

I still remember that feeling on the night before I started my first call in that department. Time flies soooo fast. Now I'm having that feeling again, thinking that tomorrow is going to be my first oncall in this department. The difference is, the last time, I had at least five days to work in the ward and be familiarise with the working environment. But this time, I am going to be oncall right after I completed two weeks of tagging. Let's just hope that everything will be fine and just fine. Luckily my oncall partner is my own friend.

Since I started working in this department, I have no time to properly look and understand on the current issues in the country, mainly the Bersih 2.0. But I know for sure that I hated the advertisement about it, acted by the three actors - so lame and so obviously on which side. I guess this is not a free country, where people have freedom of speech and freedom of voicing out opinions. The government keep saying that there are many better ways of delivering opinion, such as debating in the parliament, but that is just at the MPs level. What about the rakyat? I thought rakyat didahulukan, pencapaian diutamakan?

I always wonder, why is it they are so chicken to just let the rakyat voice out their opinion at public, such as in a perhimpunan like Bersih? Having joined a demonstration of anti zionism and anti - killing of innocent people in Palestine made me impressed, the Irish government not just allowed the demo to be conducted, but also advised the Gardai to help manage the traffic during demos! We successfully had the demo, delivered the messages to public and disperse in peace. So, what's the problem? I do not think that Malaysian are that stupid or unmannered to do vandalism etc if they are given their rights to gather and demo. See, even the people who called themselves Patriot also chose demonstration as their freedom of speech. The difference is, you know what they want to talk about.

In my humble opinion, I just think that we need a government who is brave enough and purely honest to lead the nation. And please, don't waste anymore rakyat's money on unnecessary luxurious things. A good government fights its rivals sword with sword, not a machine gun with a sword, they let the rivals attack, and they defense and counter attack, not by backstabbing and injuring the rivals before the match even started. Be brave and more honest, sure rakyat will love you.

Now is the dengue season, beware of Aedes!
After I stepped into the ward for my first day, I already went home with febrile condition. Let's just hope that my immune system is strong enough tomorrow.

p/s I wish our prime minister can come and have a look at the ward, so @#$%^&, please give us some budget, so that we can replace the crusty beds, paint the dull walls and hang some air conditioners. Thank you.

Hanya Insan Biasa

Sepantas kilat ia berlalu. Rasa bagai hanya semalam aku melalui detik-detik perit tagging di jabatan itu. Kini telah pun berada di jabatan berikutnya.Lain mangkuk, lain kuahnya, namun rasa masin itu tetap ada. Kadang-kala ketidakadilan yang berlaku membuatkanku berasa lemah, kadang-kala pula menguatkanku. Inilah peri pentingnya untuk orang yang faham agama berkuasa. Faham agama Islam lebih tepatnya. Hidup tidak semudah yang diangan-angankan. Untuk menjadikan suatu angan-angan sebuah realiti, perlu melalui kepayahan yang berat, membuatkanku terfikir, benarkah ini jalan yang perlu dipilih? Atau ada jalan lain yang lebih berbahagia?

Kesulitan menjaga seorang warga emas adalah suatu cabaran, lebih-lebih lagi jika yang dijaga itu seorang yang keras kepala dan outspoken. Suhu di dalam rumah telah menjadi tinggi. Untuk menyejukkannya kami sengaja melucukan sesuatu perkara yang berlaku itu. Perlu lebih banyak bersabar, seperti mak selalu berkata, masa kita nanti, tak tahu bagaimana keadaannya pula. Bila aku sudah tidak tahan, kebisuan menjadi muka hadapan hidupku. Biar hati sendiri yang sakit, usah menyakiti yang lain.

Kematian bisa menyedarkan insan yang masih hidup. Menginsafkan. Mengingatkan kita bahawa hidup hanya sementara, sama ada kita yang pergi dahulu, atau orang yang disayangi yang pergi dahulu. Pemergian secara mengejut seorang yang diingati akibat ischaemic bowel amat menyedihkan. Tatkala aku ketika itu bertarung dengan oncall yang tiada kesudahan, dia pergi meninggalkan dunia. Sudah sampai ajalnya. Baru sahaja pulang dari berkenduri-kendara di Perak, mengalami cirit-birit satu malam, keesokannya pergi terus setelah pembedahan menunjukkan ususnya sudah menjadi gangrenous. Kepada Allah jua tempat kita kembali.

Perhubungan sesama manusia adalah didasarkan pada redha Allah. Jika bukan redhaNya yang dicari, tidak perlulah berhubungan sekadar suka-suka atau mahu mencuba-cuba. Ikhlas dalam perhubungan amat penting, jujur dan amanah sama pentingnya. Perhubungan tanpa sifat-sifat ini tidak harus diteruskan, khuatir jika murkaNya yang datang. Mungkin pertemuan dan perpisahan itu ada hikmah di sebaliknya. Bagai orang selalu berkata, Allah turunkan hujan di tengah hari untuk memberi pelangi yang lebih indah.

Tanggungjawab seorang anak adalah membahagiakan kedua orang tuanya. Sama ada melalui doa, harta, kasih sayang, masa....asalkan mereka bahagia, pilihlah cara yang mana pun. Amat kecewa dengan sikap segelintir anak-anak, terutamanya yang lelaki, apabila telah berkahwin, seluruh perhatian dan tanggungjawabnya ditumpukan pada keluarga baru yang dibinanya, kononnya dialah ketua keluarga dan harus bertanggungjawab. Tidak sedar bahawa tanggunggjawabnya sebagai anak lelaki kepada ibu bapanya tidak pernah terlucut walaupun dia menjadi suami kepada empat orang isteri sekalipun. Hargailah masa yang ada, sementara orang tua masih hidup, sementara mereka masih boleh melihat untuk menikmati wajah seorang anak yang tersenyum penuh kasih sayang, sementara mereka masih boleh merasai belaian tangan seorang anak, mengusap dan membelai tubuh badan mereka, sementara mereka masih boleh mendengar tutur kata seorang anak yang mengucapkan sayang dan cinta kepada mereka, sementara mereka masih boleh menelan makanan yang dibeli atau dimasak dengan ikhlas oleh anak-anak, sementara mereka masih boleh berjalan ke tempat-tempat indah yang dibawa oleh anak-anak dan sementara mereka masih berakal untuk mendoakan kesejahteraan anak-anak mereka pada setiap hari...

Usahlah menanti sehingga mereka terlalu rabun untuk mengecam wajah anak sendiri, sehingga mereka terlalu lemah untuk merasai belaian tangan anak-anak, sehingga mereka sudah tidak boleh mendengar suara anak sendiri, sehingga mereka tidak mampu lagi mengenal manis dan masamnya makanan, sehingga mereka lumpuh dan hanya terperap di dalam rumah ataupun sehingga mereka nyanyuk dan tidak mampu untuk mendoakan anak-anak...

Aku hanya insan biasa...

An Eventful Posting

"Department tu pelik sikit, tapi okaylah..."

That was an honest advice from one of my seniors before I left Surgical to go to my second posting. Indeed, it is really true.

1. Tagging time was tiring. From 7 am to 12 midnight. We even had shifts, 5pm to 10pm and 10pm to 3 am, just because there were too many of us tagging at the same time, and we need to complete 10 deliveries in the tagging period.

2. Passed my off tag assessment on day 14 of tagging, assessed by a senior MO, not by specialist as always.

3. Started to work in first floor, very relaxing and enjoyed the teaching by MO incharge.

4. Next rotation in labour room, fortunately only for two weeks,minus the day I took leave.

5. Proceeded to MH3, had a great time there, nice specialist, the MO incharge was on leave for two weeks, so Dr C took over. The team was super nice, even though the work load was too much, the atmosphere was always ambient. We even had a night out together, the whole team went for dinner at Pan Mutiara, with Dr C ! I suppose Dr C is the nicest MO in the department and we were close as I knew him from Surgical department when he brought his father in law into my ward. We even reported duty on the same day to the department.

6. My last rotation in the ward was like going to the jungle and standing in front of a tigress. The specialist has an interesting personality, something I should study about in the future. She likes to be dominant, she enjoys screaming and scolding and watching all of us getting scared is an entertainment for her. She gets along well with most of the male houseman,and when she dislikes someone, everything about that person is ugly/dirty/wrong! Pity my friend for that.Yesterday I purposely asked my friend to swab places with me, so that I could go clinic and not be in the ward, just because I did want to see her.There is no way she could spoil my second last day in the department. I just wish that one day she will realize that no matter how high her rank is, Allah is the Highest. No matter how perfect she claims she is, Allah is the Most Perfect. Be good to people, insyaAllah people will be good to you too.

7. My second call in labour room was too eventful. That changed everything. My perception on the department became even worse. Everything is houseman's fault. If any problem occurs, someone has to be blamed. Even specialist thinks that way.Someone needs to be the scapegoat, so that the others could sleep soundly at night.A betrayal from an MO is really unacceptable. That's why Tunesh once said," watch your back, people like to backstab each other in the department." The MO nicely created a story to cover herself and the consultant believed her without any investigations made. So the victims are we, the house officers. Early in the morning, we were bombarded by his loud voice, embarrassed us in front of everyone, and when we tried to explained, he cut us off and said that we were trying to give excuses. My entire respect to him flew away and since that day onwards, I feel that in this department, even the consultants are not trustable. Only later he found out that the MO was actually hiding something, but it was too late, rice has become porridge (direct translation , heheh). During the embarrassing moments, I wasn't thinking of anything until a friend whispered to me, " takpa, Allah ada." That time I feel like crying, but I just hold my tears and prayed that Allah made me strong and steadfast.

Dr C was one of my biggest support, I definitely told him everything, including the covering done by the MO. One day when I was writing the report, he came in to the oncall room and asked me," are you okay?". At that second, my heart was really touched, I took a few seconds to calm down and started talking to him.Thanks Dr C, I will remember your kindness forever.

Enough about all the negatives, I can't help it because everything about the past 4 months are negatives. I am sorry, but there is no way I will come back to the department as an MO, not until they change into something more sensible.

To be continued...

PERFECTIONIST

Selalu bila Dr Azizan buat seminar powernya, mesti pada hari aku oncall. Teringin juga nak mengikutinya, kalau-kalau dapat membantu.

Melayu memang mudah lupa. Apabila sudah berada di atas, segala kekurangan semasa berada di bawah terus dilupakan. Amat kecewa dengan sesetengah Melayu yang agamanya Islam pula tu, berpangkat tinggi tetapi lupa bahawa yang lebih tinggi pastinya Yang Maha Esa. Di hospital ini tidak ramai doktor pakar berbangsa Melayu, maklumlah populasi di sini pun bukannya majoriti Melayu. Malangnya yang berkepakaran tinggi dan diharapkan dapat menaikkan nama Melayu itulah yang sebenarnya menjatuhkannnya. Ada yang anti sungguh dengan dengan house officer, seolah-olah dirinya terus menjadi pakar sebaik sahaja graduate. Pulak tu, anti dengan staff nurse lelaki, padahal isterinya seorang staff nurse juga. Ada pula yang mengakui dirinya perfectionist, tidak sedar dirinya will never be perfect on her own. Kawanku kata, siapa yang menggelar dirinya perfectionist, dia sebenarnya seorang psycho. Teringat masa kecil-kecil dahulu, ada orang pernah berkata, mana ada orang yang perfect, seorang hartawan nak jadi kaya pun bergantung pada pekerja bawahannya untuk buat kerja, dia nak tinggal dalam banglo pun bergantung pada kontraktor untuk membinanya, dia makan hari-hari pun bergantung pada orang ramai yang bekerja memproses bahan-bahan makanan itu, jadi adakah sesiapa yang perfect? Even Rasulullah yang maksum itu pun masih beristighfar lebih seribu kali sehari, mohon keampunan Allah...Sedih dengan sikap pakar-pakar Melayu yang tidak sedar dirinya hanya hamba kerdil, solat yang dibuat lima kali sehari tu apa gunanya? Aku menunggu saja bila tiba harinya di mana mereka menjadi inferior dan aku lebih superior...masa itu mungkin mereka akan sedar langit itu tinggi atau rendah. Biar Allah sahaja menyedarkan mereka.

Moral of the story: Berusahalah mencari pasangan hidup, kerana wanita berkerjaya yang hidup membujang sehingga menjadi andartu hanya akan menyusahkan orang lain kerana fikirkan dirinya dominan dan sentiasa betul serta sempurna.
(pastinya bukan semua begitu...)

Lastly,

jadilah seorang yang pemaaf...

There are 2 things we must REMEMBER.

1. Kebaikan orang kepada kita

2. Kejahatan kita kepada orang

and there are also 2 things we must FORGET.

1. Kebaikan kita kepada orang

2. Kejahatan orang kepada kita

HOW ?

Before sleep  at night , just release all the tension and said inside your heart,

“Aku Maafkan Semuanya”

"Fuhh, susahnya nak maafkan pakar yang satu ini..."

Second mission accomplished

Alhamdulillah, I thank Allah for giving me some peaceful of mind and body, at least for the past two weeks.
Alhamdulillah, I managed to complete my second mission, after a successful first mission last August. Perhaps I should seriously plan for my third mission soon.
Alhamdulillah, I was satisfied enough with my obstetric census presentation today. At least the big boss was not around to bombard me with tricky questions. I feel worth it for coming back to the hospital on my leave day just to finish the census.

However, I am a little worried with my level of motivation to occupy myself with the knowledge I should have for my end of posting assessment. Really need a booster.

Yesterday we went to visit Pakcik Leman at C9. Met my fellow good staff nurses who still recognized me very well. Pakcik had MVA just before he turned into his own house compound. Had fractured right arm and some ribs fracture with cerebral concussion and retrograde amnesia. He was then transferred to a private hospital, requested by his company. Since I was a kid, I've always like him very much as in having a crush on him. Till now, he is still my favourite uncle among all his other siblings; pak teh, and pak lang. He was the one who greeted us with a smile on his father's funeral day, led the jenazah prayer, and later cried bitterly but quietly in front of his father's body. May Allah cure him, shower him with His love and make him and his family strong.

With my acute earache, tomorrow I'm going into OT again. Should  I go to bed, or should I continue study?

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Terkesan dengan ceramah berkenaan runtuhnya institusi kekeluargaan jika dipimpin oleh ketua keluarga yang tidak solat. Maka amat penting bagi seorang suami sebagai ketua keluarga untuk menjaga solatnya, kerana itu, berkahwinlah kerana Allah, pasti yang lain akan menyusul jua.INSYAALLAH!

Esok kerja balikkk

Gelisah,
esok perlu bekerja semula selepas dua hari bercuti
cuti pertama dalam jabatan ini
bulan lepas tak bercuti langsung

Gembira,
weekend call baru-baru ini sangat baik
walaupun paginya berseorangan bersama new taggers
malamnya tiada admission langsung
lena dibuai mimpi ditemani gigitan nyamuk

Muram,
esok oncall, kemudian EOD call
siapalah yang bijak menyusun jadual begini
mujurlah bukan call yang menyulitkan
rakan call pun yang best
semoga Allah permudahkan...

Syukur,
Misi kedua sudah memulakan langkahan yang pertama
Bakal disempurnakan hujung minggu ini
Dengan izin Allah ia bakal sempurna
Semuanya demi kedua orang tua
Bolehlah mula melakar misi ketiga pula

Entah,
tidak pasti apa perasaan, apa yang dirasa
kadang tenang kadang resah
adakah itu yang terbaik atau sekadar menguji
sudah tiba masanya namun tiada kepastian
tidak teruja tidak pula menolak
cuma menanti petunjukNya

Need a mental check up :)

Escaped an hour per patient rounds today, hiding behind the curtain and slipped through the ward.

Tomorrow will be oncall in that ward with the hormonal MO…cant do anything other than accept it!

Disliking this department more and more, especially the unit that I am working now.

EOD calls start next week, fortunately there will be leave day somewhere in the middle.

He hasn’t come home for months…leaving the responsibility to me and me alone.

Been advised to go for a check up, mentally,hee..

Frustrated and frustrated…my God…heart sink and sink, not sing

Giving up on the thing, let it be just as it is, if you are not interested, I am okay with it, but don’t bother me when I am already planning for others…

If you want to know a person, see when he/she is angry or panicking, that is the real colour

However, babies are cute!

Tomorrow comes another day…